Sunday, June 13, 2010

Business Travel Just Isn't All It's Cracked Up To Be

Travel can seem like fun even when working until you arrive at work to this latest travel policy:

A tight travel budget
All workers please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy.


To: All Employees
From: Headquarters
Subject: Business Travel Policy Guidelines
Date: June 12,2010

Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees on travel for official business. The purpose of these policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.


If commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets will be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting with a customer is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible.

Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips.


All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If this is not possible, then cost effective alternatives should be exploited.

Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of good weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary shelter.


Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that grocery chains, such as "Sam's Club" and "Albertson's" stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be obtained in this manner.

Travelers should also become familiar with, and exploit the use of, indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travellers should seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially valuable to employees travelling together, as a single plate can be used to feed one clever group.

Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-roni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.


Entertainment while on travel is discouraged. If such extravagances are required for business reasons, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the tab". Such actions will save the company money and also convince the customer that we are concerned about "spending his money on providing a good product for him", not on useless overhead frivolities which can drive up our prices.

Hospitality provided to our customers at our facility shall be tasteful, yet cost-effective. In lieu of frivolous dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot complete with garden hose for liquid refreshments.


All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our common effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport "layover" periods which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travellers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

Actually I am glad my company isn't so tight and they even freaked a bit when I stayed in a La Quinta in the San Diego area next to a Gentleman's Club. How was I supposed to know it was there? I could have been saving them some money.....and making them some too! :)

It seems that I am traveling as much as three times a month now so I will keep you posted on my adventures in travel. Heaven knows that something funny, hateful or crazy happens each trip!

P.S. I may try the red cap trick or silk rose sales for spending money;)


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Carrot Jello said...

"Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-roni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation."

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