Happy Leap Day!!

Don't try this trick at home! This form of Leap Day celebrating is reserved for freckle faced, red headed , adventurous & mischievous little boys (or if your name is Huck Finn). I think that I can find better things to eat in celebration of this rare day! HAVE A GREAT ONE!!

Seven Habits Of A Highly Ineffective Person

OK, so I've been tagged by Busty Larue and I'm pretty much tag-tarded so I'll just make this seven random things about me you may or may not know. (Or wish you didn't know).

1. The only face I want to see first thing in the morning and last thing at night is the face of my Diet Coke with Lime. (Yes, they do have faces! And feelings! Thanks for hurting them by not acknowledging their features!) I love my caffeine and would consider
myself addicted!

2. I have split personalities. One is the florist, who designs during the day. The other is the
number cruncher and that is what I do in my later afternoons. I don't want one side of my
brain to feel bad that I don't use it as often so I try to give them equal time! While I'm not
really good at either thing, I believe in E.O.B (Equal opportunity Brainusage- yes I know that isn't one word but how was I supposed to make it work?)

3. I can be easily entertained. I have a terrible memory and so I can watch the same show over & over without realizing it until the end. You can also repeat your whole life stories to me
many times, because it's always new to me! Who knows, I might give you different feedback
each time!??

4. I forgot. . . What was I trying to accomplish here?? Let me scroll up. Oh yeah! Did I
happen to mention I have a bad memory? Well, I also think I have A.D.D. Yeah, leave
out the hyperactive H in there because I'm not too overly hyper. I just have issues staying
focused. Everything in my house is half done!. . . and therefore, half undone. Not really in equal halves either. This is where I have a deficit in equality! I know, this all sounds intriguing and you are wanting me to do your taxes now aren't you?? No worries!

5. I love my computer. Can't live without it! It's one of my addictions! Oh yeah, just
ask anyone who knows me. It is glued at my hip!. . . And you just thought I had big hips
naturally?? Oh you silly people! What? YES. . and thanks for reminding me. . . my big butt IS all natural.

6. I don't like my pancakes and eggs on the same plate. I just can't have the salty and the sweet touching each other. No syrup in my eggs please! I love breakfast foods though and
could eat them any time of day. (along with any other food item you might put in front of me. . .
24/7 that's me!)

7. My secret dream was to be a Broadway dancer or better yet, to be a lead in Les Miserables. It would be more miserable though if I was staring in it! I happen to be a
Les Mis fanatic pretty much and have seen it 6 or 7 times already and I'm not stopping
now. . . and especially since I can't remember what happens each time I go. It's like seeing
it for the first time. . . again!

Runny Nose. . . Potty Mouth.

I'm thinking this is a great idea!! I could really use this right now as I am sniffling and tired of hunting down the T.P because the dog keeps biting the end of the roll and running CLEAR down the hall with it. Needless to say, we can't seem to keep it on the wall mount thing-a-ma-jigger. It is always somewhere else in the house.

My other thought was to just stuff big wads of T.P. up my nose so that there would be no nasal dripage (is that even a word? How about runnage?) on my computer as I type. Are you visualizing that one too? So now which do you think would look better? You know, I'm all about fashion ! Not even a runny nose will stop that!

But I'm worried. . . if I have the amazing hat, I will be summoned to the bathroom and have to endure that whole scene because somebody forgot to hunt down the T.P before engaging in toilet activities. (Wasn't that a nice way to put it?)

Oh man. . . how come my blogs always end up in the toilet? Go figure!

If My Trunk Is A Knocken'. . . . .

Don't ask. . . let's just say it was a rough weekend with the kids.

Particularly one of the four.

The child just doesn't know when to shut up!

I begged and pleaded!!

I told him he was on my last nerve.

He whined some more. . and then some more.

I threatened him a million times. . .

but he wouldn't stop!

The house is quiet now. . . the trunk isn't.

Don't worry, he's in there with his transformers, his sponge bob dvd, a cheese tortilla and ring pop.

He's not suffering. . . And now, neither am I.

(Hee Hee! I'm only teasing! No need to call the child welfare services! They already know!)

A Questionable Lunch Date?? I Question That.

After a few weeks hiatus from restaurants and such due to illness, I was able to convince my hubby to take me to lunch yesterday. I was craving Mexican food and so we headed off to our favorite, local family restaurant. I don't know if it was because it of the time of day we were there, but things were a bit different. We had a waitress come take our order and she was one we were familiar with from previous visits. I ordered a Diet Coke with my meal and she quickly and apologetically informed me that they were out of diet products. (had I known that I would have gone to the second favorite place!! ) I told her that I would just have water then. Seeing that she had already brought out a pitcher of water, I poured myself a glass as I munched on chips and salsa. Just then, she brought me out a large glass of ice water with a lime in it. I thanked her and quickly pushed my other drink to the side. She noticed that our chips were a bit low and offered to bring us more. My husband was about ready to dip his chip in salsa when she abruptly yanked it out from under him and told him she would be out with more. He was bugged! But he gets bugged easily. I on the other hand chuckled! When she brought out more, she asked "How is your water ma'am?" I was a bit taken back by the question. How was it supposed to be?? Like water?? Yep! It sure was! I don't know but I have never rated my water! Nor have I returned it for being too cold, too hot or something else unpleasant or unusual. I told her it was GREAT! Hubby and I had another good chuckle. She returned with our food and then had only walked away for about 3 seconds when she came over and asked "How is your food sir?" He hadn't even taken a bite but told her it was great! He was REALLY bugged at this point and I reminded him that she is trying REALLY hard to be a good waitress and therefore get a good tip! I would be over the top too if it meant more money!! (I can act for a price!!)

Like in most Mexican restaurants around here, there are Spanish speaking people working there. (sometimes NOT!) Anyway, those working there that day were all Spanish speaking and it was one of those times I desperately wished I spoke the language. They were standing only a few feet from us and were speaking very fast and with an angry tone it seemed. I was trying to figure out if these were family members all working this shift together. They would speak and the oldest one would loudly say "SSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" This continued on over and over and she would SSHHHHHHH them again, with a stern look on her face. I wondered what they were saying? Hubby and I were creating our own monologue and it was funny at times and yet a bit scary at other times! We pictured them saying something like "Those fools think we fed them beef but it was really dog!!" and then the oldest trying to quiet them! Or my husband thought our waitress was saying "Hee Hee, I totally spit in her water!! And she said it's great!" It all kind of freaked me out at the thought! I don't know what was really being said but it has motivated me to learn some Spanish (more than what I learned on Sesame Street) so that the next time I go, I am not completely in the dark! Fortunately, whatever they MAY have put in our food wasn't deadly because I am here today to write about it! No food poisoning at all!! Yipee!! (Sorry! the pic is of a Chinese Restaurant but it seemed so appropriate!)

"Almost Home"?? I Think NOT!!

I found this video and had a really good chuckle! #1, how many times have you looked at these portable bathrooms (if that is what you could call them) and wanted to pull a prank on some poor sucker who entered?? You have? I figured as much because I have too! I most likely haven't come up with the crazy ideas you have (you are the more creative one) but I still get a really good laugh at the thought!! #2, anyone who DARES enter and use these things have to go really bad! And there obviously isn't even a tree or bush around! No kidding! I would use my fingernails and dig myself a hole in the dirt then get some twigs and make a bit of a shelter and find a few leaves for TP before using one of those. (I did latrine certify at girls camp you know!) Am I alone in feeling this way? Well, if using an Almost Home (A company is really stretching it with a name like this!)isn't bad enough, check out the humiliation for these unsuspecting potty dwellers.



It makes me wonder if anyone was in there pooping and taking a really long time? Now wouldn't that be embarrassing?? Well, if the men are like my husband, they weren't going #2 because he has those things on a timer it seems! ( I have YET to figure that whole thing out!) He only does that at home in OUR bathroom! We would sure hate to share the stench with the rest of the world and would much rather keep it confined to our house!! Wheeeeeeeeeeew! Of course, if he had been one of the people pranked in this, he may have had the last laugh as they abruptly left the room gasping!

Reunited and it feels so. . .

GOOD???

Oh man, they are feeling a bit too crazy together! It looks like I need to hide the camera again, and the costume box, kitchen utensils, small children and the dog! Jake has moved back in the house after a peaceful 9 month stint away with his friends. Kitty was a bit lost without him and quickly picked up her crazy behavior in no time with his arrival. Oh goodie! I can hardly wait! *sigh*

Al Pal gets the look that reminds him he is no longer the fav brother! I have never had to worry about Kitty holding her own with three brothers. She manages to keep them all in her back pocket and jumping when she says to do so! (Ty Ty managed to sleep through all the ruckus the Three Stooges had going on)You know, now that I get a closer look at these kids, I don't really think they are mine! They look nothing like me. . . In fact, you know how they say you forget childbirth pains? I forgot the whole child birth thing! Maybe I didn't really give birth to these things! I'm sure I didn't!! It is really hard for me to believe that they are 12, 17 & almost 20! I'm only 30 myself! How could I have pulled that off?? Or am I? Well regardless, you would NEVER catch me acting like such a fool for a picture or anything else for that matter! hee hee!

If you recognize these things that have overtaken my home or if you would like to keep them for yourself just leave me a comment. There will be a lucky random drawing for these treasures!! They are all yours!! (I'll throw in the husband and dog as a bonus!)

Tax Season & Pneumonia. . . . Two Of My Favorite Things!

I know, it's a weird title but that is what's in my wacked out brain right now! It's that crazy (hateful) tax season and I do taxes and so I am researching new tax laws etc., while I hang in bed with pneumonia. I know you are jealous on both accounts! Well, don't be! There are MUCH more entertaining things to do in life!! But in my research, I found a funny letter that was actually sent to the IRS. Oh, the IRS had better NEVER think of disallowing one or more of my dependents. I could send them a letter they would NOT forget! haha! You will get a kick out of this one! (I found this here)
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Dear IRS

NOTE: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS the midst of 1995's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits. The letter speaks for itself.

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year, she is going to college. I think it's wonderful thatyou will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it.You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a foodfight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, flammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately, you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech-pathologist who has her roll her "r's". It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,

Bob

Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.

Still Not Feeling Well

I've managed to get some darn virus and can't get rid of it! The bummer is that I am pretty sure I got it from the doctor's office! Oh yeah, I went there feeling great and a day later was NOT so great! Then again, maybe I'm suffering from "Turtleneckitis". I've heard that can get to you after a long winter of turtleneck wearing!! Maybe I should just be defiant and wear a tank top or something?? Would that help?

I have moments where I have even said "I am sicker than a dog". I'm not really sure what that means but maybe this is the reason for my illness to begin with?? Here I thought the kids were doing the dishes while I was in bed but it turns out I was wrong!!

Last Night I Had The Strangest Dream. . . . .

"I sailed away to China in a little rowboat to find ya. And you said you had to get your laundry clean.". . . . . Now just what kind of friend are you? Here I've been sailing for so long using my hands for oars (you can see there are none above!) and you blow me off that way?. . . . OK, enough of that song. It just depresses me!! Anyone who would trade laundry for me!! But really I had a dream last night. No kidding I did! This dream just happens to be a reoccuring dream for me and I really want to know why I have it and just what does it mean?

I actually have two reoccuring dreams that are different and yet quite the same. The first one is where I am back in college and I realize that I haven't attended one of my classes the whole semester and it's almost over. I also dream, in that same dream, that I can't find my class or that I completely blew off studying for a big test. THAT is the dream I had last night! It was all about school!

My other dream is that I am just getting ready to go out on the field and perform with the dance team and I realize that I don't know the dance at all!! And worse than that, I am sometimes in my underwear and NOT my costume!! I tend to wake up REALLY ticked off at myself for my poor performance!! Did I forget to do something in my life and it's haunting me in my dreams?? Am I worried about something? I can't make heads or tails of it!

A crazy dream that I used to have over and over was that I was working on a conveyor belt where cheeseburgers would come past. I had to eat all the cheeseburgers that came down by me. There would ALWAYS be TOO many and I would panic as I would try to shove them all down my throat! I swear I would wake up sick and in a cold sweat!! The weirdest part is that I was mostly vegetarian at the time and didn't eat hamburger!! Those dreams have stopped and the others have started! So I'm needing some dream interpreters to figure these out for me so that just maybe I can stop them (and move on to something else wacky!)

What do you think it all means? I'm open to any ideas!! Go ahead. . . leave me a comment. . . I know you are thinking you want to!! I'd love to hear your ideas! (and don't tell me I can't spell or that I have improper sentences and stuff!! My darn spell check thingee doesn't work and I don't really care that I can't write either. . . I'm an accountant for heaven's sake. We do numbers, not letters and such! hee hee)