Have You Ever?

Have you ever had a restless sleep that progressed to the point of WIDE awake by 2 a.m. and so you lay there and contemplate life. And while you are contemplating, you think about some really funny stuff and you giggle a bit (sometimes loudly) and decide that you have GOT to blog about such funny topics. You think to yourself "Self, I should write these things down so that I don't forget them by morning" and then your evil/stupid/forgetful side convinces you that you will NEVER forget such funny stuff by morning. Except you wake up the next morning with only the thought that you should blog about some funny stuff and you can't remember what? . . . . No you haven't? Me neither.


Have you ever spent an hour in the evening trying to console your screaming six year old because an airplane has flown over the house several times and quite low and he is freaking in hysterics because he thinks it will crash on top of you. Then an hour later, you are trying to quiet the same child, who is giggling wildly because he has farted loudly and scared the poor dog, who WAS lying next to him. And for some reason the six year old was finding this extremely funny and would have continual outbursts for about an hour or so, while you threatened him to stop?. . . . Nada? Me neither


Have you ever spent your evening (when not consoling/threatening a child or thinking of funny blog topics) picking zits, pulling out grey hairs and having a hot flash all at the same time? Which you find to be quite annoying because seriously should these two things overlap each other for real or are you just some freak of nature going through puberty and the "the change" all at once?. . . Nope? Same here.


I guess we're even then! Have a nice day!

Weird Word Wednesday AND A Special Presentation

Because of vacation last week, I did not do "Weird Word Wednesday" and I know that you were left hanging without a word to use over and over all week. For that, I am sorry! But this week I'm making up for it by giving you a really long word! The down side to this word is that it may be a bit more difficult to just throw it into a sentence. We'll see how it goes.





The Word is: Zenzizenzizenzic





What I thought this word meant: It means that a person with a stuttering problem is trying to JUST say Zenzic (which I thought was probably a prescription drug to help a person have more Zen). When saying it myself, I sounded a bit like a bullet bike starting up.





What it really means: The Eight power of a number.





You know, like squared, cubed and other numbers to represent the power of a number. This is the simple way to say "10 to the 8th power". Instead you would say "10 Zenzizenzizenziced" Much easier huh?


I guess that's why this word is actually obsolete now. Sigh! I gave you a word that really doesn't exist in the dictionary anymore. TAKE IT!! RUN WITH IT!! USE IT OFTEN!!





Ahem! Could I have your attention?





You may be wondering why I called you all here. And you may be wondering MORE why I have picked out this beautiful evening gown for myself.

Well, I'm receiving an award and I'm feeling more like a vegetable lately than anyone deserving of the "Brillante Weblog Premio" award. BUT I'LL TAKE IT GLADLY & GRATEFULLY! Thank you Running With Scissors for this wonderful award!! I tried to find a nut dress or a fruit cake dress, which also would have worked perfectly but you know how the pickens get fer an award event such as this. It's like a Ho down!

First of all, I would like to thank my Diet Coke with Lime for keeping me on my toes from sun up to sun down. Without you, I would never blog. Then I would have to include my chocolate and ibuprofen, which are ALSO required to successfully make it through any given day. They also aid in my brilliance you know. Oh, don't question my brilliance! If I didn't have Alzheimer's, I would remember all of that smart stuff in my head. OK, that will have to be all for now because I just remembered I'm allergic to raw vegetables and this dress is causing me to swell. Oh you noticed? Are you calling me fat? Well, it's only swelling and has nothing at all to do with chocolate or the other million things I shove into my mouth daily I swear. Oh thanks! You've completely side tracked me now and my good festive "I won a cool award" mood is now a "I'm a fat cow in my veggie dress" mood. Sigh! I'm leaving now. . . . . OH, I'm not crying because of you! The onions are getting to me. Would you like one before I go? OK BYE!

I will have to search, ponder, pray (and then draw out of a hat) some lucky people to stand at this here podium to accept this great award along with me. Stay tuned. . . or don't. . . it's up to you really.

In An Attempt To Kill Me

So here we are on family vacation and for some reason the word "VACATION" for me = EAT EVERYTHING in sight because you are taking a vacation from watching what you eat. (OK, don't laugh. I at least TRY to watch what I eat at home. . . on occasion or probably not.) Well, today I came out to the kitchen in our condo to find these on the counter top.

They were in a nice little package that indicated on the label that they were Wasabi Peas. Knowing that they were: A) in the kitchen B) in an open package C) Peas=nutritious, I decided to inquire about them. My brother Mike was busy making home made pizzas and insisted that they were really good and that I should try them. Now what would you have done? Well, I did what I always do when presented food or even when food is within a 10 mile radius. I decided to try it! Let me just say that going into this I had NO clue what Wasabi was. Yeah, I guess you could say I fell off the turnip truck yesterday but I really didn't know! I quickly popped one in my mouth and chewed and immediately opened my now burning and insulted mouth and headed quickly for the garbage to spit! Oh, you know that the family was getting a good laugh out of this!

"Who buys this crap?" I asked. I should have even known better than to ask. My Dad bought it and it just serves me right for even questioning it. The first taste that so rudely intruded on and offended my taste buds was the flavor of horseradish. I can honestly say I HATE that flavor! Apparently I should have asked what Wasabi was BEFORE trying it, at which point I would have been informed that it was a type of Japanese Horseradish. YUCK! Memories of my childhood came flooding back to me at that very moment. All two of them that I remember (so it was more like a trickle than a flood). It's a sad deal when you have Alzheimer's! Anywho, I remember my Dad eating horseradish with about EVERYTHING edible and probably things that weren't edible. We would all shriek in disgust. He would fool us by having us turn to look at something or pass something while at the table and he would take a bit of horseradish and put it in our potatoes. He would then sit back and wait for that moment when we would bite into it and run gagging (sometimes gagging AND crying) to the sink and then he would laugh! Let's just say that I have never and WILL NEVER be a fan of horseradish. (I am not into eating horse:) Even though I have greatly expanded my menu from what I ate as a child, horseradish will never be a part of my grown-up menu. YUCK!

So if you didn't know what Wasabi was, here is your warning. If you did know, then you can laugh at me and wonder what rock I crawled out from under. If you are a wasabi or horseradish lover I can only say- Your taste really sucks! I won't fall for that trick again!. . . or will I? I'm kind of scared with my lack of memory these days.

OH, and by the way, it didn't ruin my appetite for lunch or dinner. I didn't skip a beat with the food thing:) Yum, Yum!

Kicking Back Condo Style

While on vacation, we spend a bit of time at the fabulous condos in Deer Valley. That is, when we are not down in Park City shopping. . . which is a LOT of time for me:) This is how we kick back here:



Here is Kitty getting her hair bows in for the day. . . all 40 of them. You can never have enough hair bows as a teenager can you? Her amazing "bower" is none other than her three year old cousin Gabs. Notice that there are a couple of redheads in the pic? Yeah, we don't know where they came from.



Every day we do some craft project for the kids. Here are the cousins with Grandma V. doing bead necklaces & sticker art. We manage to keep the kids under control for about 20 minutes and then it's back to KIDS GONE WILD!

Al-Pal and Ty-Ty having a great time doing crafts.

Kitty thinks she is too big for craft time and used the excuse that she had to pick her nose instead. . . I guess she wasn't lying.

Bob would rather read "Parenting" Magazine than help with crafts. I'm not sure what the centerfold is in this magazine but he is sure enjoying it. Check out the back of this magazine. Shouldn't "The Van Rocks" come before Parenting? At least that's what I remember. . . just kidding Dad, there was no van rocking. . . it was a truck! NO, I'm still joking with you all. But I did find that back cover fascinating.

Sometimes when I'm not reading "New Moon" or checking out the computer stuff, I'm taking REALLY BAD self portraits, and blurry ones too! I took a vacation from doing my hair and stuff too so don't laugh. It's just me!. . . Oh, and Bob.

Bob and I went shopping and look what we found in the window of Geoffrey Beene. It's a Bat if you can't tell. I made Bob take this pic because I figured it had to be sick or rabid or something to be sleeping right here in public. I wasn't going to risk myself with this crazy stuff! Sorry Bob. After my vaca reads, he may just turn into a Vampire or a Werewolf! Now that would be so cool!

That completes your tour of our Condo adventures for today. Tune in. . . later? for more really good stuff that you can't stay away from. I know you can't can you, cuz you don't have pictures like this of your own I'm sure. And you've probably never been on vacation and stuff. Well don't you worry because I will be back. . . and that's a promise!

I'll Give It To You Straight

So fortunately for me, EXACTLY seven of you felt sorry, compelled, obligated, interested, guilty or something like that for me. You actually asked a question! Wow! I feel so loved. . .or not. I'm not sure which one but I am answering ALL the questions you asked me because I like you. NO, don't feel guilty because you can't return that sentiment. I'll only cry until I dehydrate from tears. I should be back to normal in a few days. OH, thanks! Insult me when I'm feeling down. I know that I have NEVER been normal so don't rub it in. *Sigh!. . . There is always hope isn't there? I'm completely lost now. Where was I? Oh yes, I am answering questions from my dear friends/lurkers/family and such. Here they are. If they are dumb, it's only your fault because you asked them. If you didn't ask them, it's your fault because YOU had the opportunity to ask anything about me and you DIDN'T! No, I'm not bitter. Let's not lollygag. Here we go:


Alice (my favorite sox partner ever) asked: "If you had to pick a character from a book for a one night stand, who would it be and why?
I would have to go with Pinocchio. . . . OK, I'm kidding. I would really be different here and go with Edward from Twilight. There is just something intriguing about being with a vampire isn't there? And he never ages so a 17 year old would be a new twist. Ewwww! That whole thought actually creeped me out. I'll stick with Pinocchio.

Jen asked: "Do you have any pet peeves or grammar peeves?" My very biggest pet peeve is when he lifts his leg and pees on everything. . . . OH, I gotcha. Personally, I have a REALLY hard time with people being LATE. It annoys me BAD. As for grammar peeves, I have such bad grammar that I am probably annoying a lot of people with my bad grammar and writing. For that I can only say "So sorry!"

Trooper Thorn asked: "If you could give the power of speech to only one animal species, which one do you think would have anything interesting to say?" Oh, no doubt dogs would have some great tales to tell. I would ask them why man is their best friend and not woman. Oh, there is a list of things I would ask dogs but this is a rated PG-(sometimes 13) program I'm running here so I'll leave that one alone! You can come up with your own "Dog Dialogue".

P.J asked: "If you were to open your front door and go ANYWHERE your heart desired. Where the heck would you go?" I would HOPE to not go to heck that's for sure! But I would love to go to. . . Oh man, so many places I have dreamed about and I need to pick one. I have always wanted to go somewhere cool like Italy, France or Australia but I think that I would LOVE to first go to Nigeria and meet the amazing people my parents fell in love with while serving a mission there. (now that was a run on sentence for you:)

Lola (sister & neighbor) asked: "Did you eat my chocolate?" Come on now Lola. . . . .
You KNOW I ate your chocolate. I always eat all the chocolate. First I rummage through every drawer in my house searching for that last chocolate chip. When they are gone, it's over to your house baby! You may want to lock it up in the medicine cabinet. I'm a chocolate druggie and when I say I have to use your bathroom because my toilet is um, clogged I'm really EATING YOUR CHOCOLATE. You thought those brown smears in the bathroom were something else didn't you! I'm good at disguising these things.

Kathi asked: "How many sisters & brothers do you have and where are you in the birth order?"
Awesome! This is one that I don't have to think about. I have two sisters and two brothers. There are 5 of us total. (Like you hadn't figured that out!) I am the second child, the middle daughter, and the 2 boys bring up the rear. (So fitting for boys to bring up the rear:)

Hellesbelles asked: "What's the deal with Peanut M & M's up your nose?" I'm telling you that you haven't lived until your face has been plastered in the local newspaper on your 30th Birthday with green M & M's up your nose. Yeah it's true! I am somewhat famous for that now and have even tried to add to my food/face stunts by stuffing Oreos in my eye sockets. I guess being poor, I've had to look to food as more than something to eat. It has to be entertainment too. Besides, M & M's up your nose adds a nice little salty flavor. YUM!

I'm so nice that I answered a few bonus questions for you.

"Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?" Uh, hello! It's in Carmen, San Diego silly!

"How much wood would a Woodchuck chuck if a Woodchuck could chuck would?" About 700 pounds. Ah ha! You are impressed huh? Don't believe me? Well look here. I may (or may not) have cheated a bit.

Addendum:

I just got another question!! Oh yeah it's true! Jean Knee asked: "Do you like the word crap? How about Wanker?" As for crap, I use that in nearly 1/3 of all sentences that come out of my mouth. Hmmm Wanker? Now that sounds like a nice word doesn't it? I would have to say I haven't used that one but it has a nice ring to it:) I may have to add that to my limited vocab!

Thanks for playing along!

So You Think You Can Dance?

Well obviously I do. Something crazy goes off inside of me on Wednesday nights as I find myself in a trance. I become completely glued to the TV and stuck to the couch for a two hour period, only to be freed during commercial breaks. And do you know what I'm watching? Well of course you do! I said it in the title silly!

The show fascinates me, it intrigues me and it causes me to all of the sudden become the judge and the dancer all in one. I can always do the dance better in my head and no matter what, I have the best opinion of how the dance actually came off by the dancers. I figure I'm qualified for the title of judge AND dancer. Just a few short years ago. . . OK! I'll quit lying if you quit snickering! It's been maybe more than a few years ago. Maybe it was in excess of 20? Well, lets say it seems like yesterday when I was on the high school Drill Team and in the Advanced Dance Club. I spent a good portion of my day with Jazz hands. After high school, I was on the local college dance team. And for those of you that are REALLY old like me, I was able to learn some technique from "Fame" dancers in California. I know! I'm so cool that you are glad you know me now huh!. . . . . or not. . . don't say in your little youngster voice "But I don't know who the Fame dancers are!" You probably don't remember "Solid Gold" either I'm taking it? Well GOOGLE it already will you?

So I'm figuring all this dancing qualifies me doesn't it? Let's just say, it's not easy to sit with me while the show is on because I'm pointing out everything I like and don't like. And then let's just say that when a commercial comes on my body starts convulsing in some crazy dance moves. Oh, just ask my family. . . OK don't! But I spent years and years boring them and embarrassing them with my impromptu dance moves when certain songs came on. No where and nobody was safe! Unfortunately, now my children are now subject to this wild dancing that comes out on Wednesday nights. I had just finished watching last weeks dancing with my 12 year old son when I decided to go get my hubby and go for a walk. So I got up and started walking to the front door. For some crazy reason, I had the sudden urge to do a great big leap right then and there. I took a couple of running steps and thrust my right leg out. I could picture it in my head and it was beautiful! I had my arms outstretched and my toes pointed and in perfect split position.I was floating! While I was picturing this in my head ,I touched down from my leap. But instead of coming down softly and on the ball of my foot, I came down flat footed in a BIG THUD !! I swear the house shook a little. My body shook a LOT. I stopped and looked back at my now horrified son and after a short pause he said "Well that was weird!". . . . I'm guessing he wasn't impressed. No "Hot Tamale Train" for me this week!

It looks like I will need a few more practices before I can try-out for the show it seems. Wish me luck!

Alzheimers And Outbursts

So you may remember my last post. . .I'm glad you do because I have forgot it already. Let me see, oh yeah! I had an apparent and unidentifiable outburst when my road rage reared it's ugly head the other day. That outburst involved me calling the other driver "Dickweed" as my hubby carried on a phone conversation with a leader in our Church Ward. It wasn't until I read the comments from that post that the source of such a "D" outburst from my mouth came to light.

You see, it was probably only a week earlier that my sister Angel had told me about a funny experience she had happen. She is in charge of having activities for pre-teen girls from church. In this group there are a couple of sisters, who's parents are quite religious. One of the girls blurted out her sorrow to Angel over the loss of Angel's son Colton. The other sister gave the loud mouth a quick nasty kick under the table and a glare indicating that they weren't supposed to say anything! After a moment of awkwardness, the girls suggested to Angel that they knew just how she felt. They had ALSO suffered a loss. They continued with "Yeah, our Grandma's cat Dickweed died and we had to lay him to rest too!" This revelation didn't stop with saying the beloved cat's name just once and they managed to say Dickweed over and over as they discussed Grandma's cat. Never once did they change the expression to indicate they thought the name was funny, vulgar, crude, silly or anything else.

Angel imagines the girls parents would probably FREAK at the thought of the conversation that ensued if they only knew. And way to go granny for pushing the envelope and corrupting the youth without them even knowing! As for me? Yeah, my Alzheimer's had apparently already taken over and I had forgot the funny story but somehow in my head retained that great word! I have selective Alzheimer's and I keep the good stuff stored up there somewhere for a moment like that! Yep, I can rattle off a bunch of funny stories about bodily functions and other useless crap like that. (no pun intended:) Ask me anything with substance and I have to plead the fifth. . . only because I can't come up with a darn thing. I may just get frustrated and call you some crazy name. . . only to then question where THAT came from and start this whole crazy process over again! *Sigh!

I Need Some Physical & Mental Conditioning!

Do you ever have one of those days where you've completely lost it? I mean, you are still able to function but when you do it's sub par? As I sit and look over the events of the last several hours I have come to the conclusion that I need some work! I know that I'm getting old and all and that my physical strength is most likely going a bit but does my mental/emotional state have to go to?

It all started with a trip to the store. Kitty and I decided that we needed to run to Walmart to pick up a few things. I was in need of cleaning supplies and such (because I LOVE to clean. . . nope there was NO sarcasm in that either:) and Kitty was looking for a baby present for a co-worker. I realized when we were there that our BIG dog Rocky was almost out of dog food. And although that is something my hubby usually picked up, I would save him the trip, since I was there. Getting the 50 pound bag of Ol' Roy in the bottom of the cart was a bit of a challenge, but we managed. Getting the 50 pound bag OUT from the bottom of the cart and into the back of our van proved to be a LOT more challenging. There we were, the two of us. The wind was blowing wildly and we had to hang on to the cart as we pulled the bag out. It required the two of us to bend clear down to grasp it which caused Kitty's pants to slide down a bit in the back and thus exposing crack for all to see. With her announcement of her backside being exposed, along with the wind and the shear heaviness of the bag, I began to laugh loudly and uncontrollably. I got laughing so hard we couldn't get the bag in the Van. This only made me laugh harder and to the point that I thought I would wet myself. Oh, have you ever tried to lift something in that condition? You have? You haven't?. . . .You liar! We all have. . . haven't we? Anyway, we FINALLY got Ol' Roy in and were able to go on our way. I was grateful that innocent bystanders were only exposed to Kitty's crack and not me wetting myself. Fortunately our hair had blown over our faces and so they didn't know who we were!

Skip ahead a few hours and me and hubby were coming home from the Pharmacy. He was on the phone talking to a leader from our Church as he was driving. Now I am not normally one to have road rage and he is more likely to say something or do something but he was on the phone. Well a stupid driver cut us off and then completely stopped his car in front of us, with his left blinker on, and didn't move into the turn lane. I couldn't just do NOTHING could I?. . . OH, I could? Well I didn't. I leaned over my hubby and pressed my hand firmly on the horn. As I was doing this I loudly yelled "Move out of the way Dickweed!" Sorry for your sensitive ears but I really said that. I didn't realize what I had done until I looked over and saw my hubby looking at me in horror as he continued to carry on his phone conversation. At that point I started laughing like crazy. So hard I started gasping for air! He finished his conversation like nothing had happened and I continued to go mad with loud laughter in the background. I am not sure if the guy heard what went on and my hubby wasn't about to ask him. I am sure the hubby will eventually find out what the innocent Church friend heard. He will probably go on to tell him that I am always yelling out like that and what he heard was actually mild. Yeah Right!

Needless to say I am sitting here thinking that I need to work on a few things. . . OK, a LOT of things but who's counting. . besides me. . . and probably you. Don't worry! I'll get to them. But first I need to go see if I can get that dog food OUT of the Van now and then go kick the dog or something.

P.S. don't ask me where that D word came from. Hubby and I tried to analyze that on the way home afterwards and all we could come up with was that I confused it with Dillweed. You buying? It's the best I could do.