My Man Has No Pride

Alternate Title: Tape fixes EVERYTHING!!

You may remember my hubs and his attempt to fix the crotch rip in his pants by using Duct tape? Well that was not really the beginning of his creative ways to avoid using a sewing machine to repair his clothing. When we first were married (a mere few years ago:) I was a bit horrified to discover his method for hemming pants and NO there was not a stitch of thread involved. All he used was a sturdy stapler full of staples and Tah Dah! At that very moment I wanted to head for the door and start running....but somehow his craziness makes me giggle.

The hubs is also REALLY cheap when it comes to clothing for himself and even worse with shoes. I on the other hand know that a good/expensive pair of shoes usually lasts a long time. I'm not crazy and I don't spend oodles on them but I know my shoes. So when a quick trip to Walmart for cleaning supplies also became a happy shoe dance for my hubs with his 10 dollar find, I could only roll my eyes once again. It only took a few months for his fancy finds to fall apart. The kids began to tease him about the blowout on one of his shoes and so he quickly remedied that.

Here is what I found:

As he walked around the kitchen in his fashionable shoes, I could have sworn he was walking on Corn Flakes.

I however do have some pride and was not about to be seen with him in his doctored up cheap shoes. So I got him these:

I'm hoping that his nice shoes will detract from his duct taped crotch and his stapled hems. I can hardly wait to see what he comes up with next. Stay tuned.

My Man Has No Pride

The DOS and DON'TS of DI

I know that you haven't figured some of this stuff out on your own so I am here to educate you. It's only taken me forty years to figure this out but hey, what good is life is you can't keep making mistakes and learning?? Just consider these my gift to you. You're welcome! (P.S. I'm just giving you a few. I don't want to overload your brain so much that it confuses you. . . you're welcome again:)

1. when you are retaining water and your fingers look like big fat sausages DON'T take a diuretic 30 minutes before leaving to drive an hour. And when you DO this, DON'T stop and get a 32 ounce Diet Coke to drink on the way. And most importantly, DON'T immediately go from driving on the crowded freeway to sitting in a crowded concert hall at your son's choir concert for 2 hours. . . towards the front. You may wish you had on depends. Just telling ya.

2. When you have had a couple of REALLY nice warm days (70ish temps) after a long and hateful Winter, DON'T get all cocky and decide that you will NOT for anything return to your Winter clothing again this year! And when you are being so foolish, DON'T decide to wear sandals to work with 3 inches of snow out on the ground in a normal Utah March storm. If you DO, you may freeze your toes off and then they will look like those above. Bung Toes! Sexy? I say nay nay.

3. And finally when you DO have a job and you DO find yourself saying crazy things from time to time (meant to say over and over) or typing crazy things, DON'T be surprised when you get moved to a different department with a different boss. (If you are lost with this, read the post below). NO really I did get moved but not because of that stuff. . . or so they say. Anyway, it won't stop my crazy nonsense from coming out. It's out of my control really. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!

Maybe I Need To Stop Communicating

After a few wacky work episodes, I am thinking that maybe I should return to being an Accountant. You know, the one in a room alone. The bean counter who does numbers but NOT communication. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy communicating and yet I have had a few work blunders that have caused me to say "What the??" . . . .Actually, I laughed really hard first and THEN asked that. It all started with. . . .

I was walking towards the break room and was approaching a fellow employee I had worked with on a video. Being the friendly gal I am, I opened my mouth to say "Hi" and I even put my hand up like I was waving. Instead of "Hi" coming out though I blurted "Fine". I guess I was answering his NEXT question first! I imagined him saying "Hi, how are you?" We both got a good laugh out of that one and now when he sees me he just yells out "Fine". I'm a dork.

About a week later, I was talking on the phone with a woman from Australia. I was trying to sell her on our really amazing program at my work. You see we have a Medical Transcription program and you can seriously get hired from home to do this stuff.(nice commercial huh?) I was trying to explain to her that you can get jobs either full time or part time. . . but that was not what came out. Just mix those up and you can probably figure that I told her she could get a job "Fart time". I've never been good at keeping my composure when something funny happens no matter where I'm at. This phone call didn't go any differently and I stumbled through words with laughter. That day I grounded myself from the phone. (and no she didn't buy) boo hoo.

And today I realized that duct tape across my mouth was still not safe enough. I was typing an email to a college administrator and was closing with my usual stuff. I don't know what it is but I am not a "Sincerely" kind of gal and have managed to get hooked on "Warmest Regards" to sign off with. I guess it makes me feel all cozy in this cold weather.(I really don't know to be honest and I guess it just suits my fancy) Anywho, I had typed the email and looked up for a quick proof before sending it to see that instead of "Warmest Regards", I typed "Warmest Retards" and then signed my name. Talk about typo!! (I am beginning to think I am the warmest retard) I think that I am going to resort to Morse Code. I can't screw that up can I? . . . Don't answer that.

Husbands, Love & Re-Runs

BECAUSE I love my husband.



AND BECAUSE he bought me this really cool phone (that requires my kids to show me how to operate because I'm a moron).



I MUST bring this up AGAIN. . . I have to do it. . . . it makes me laugh a little. Just one of many funny/weird things my man does that puts a big grin on my face. Who really does this stuff? Well HE does!



SOOOO Without further ado. . . .







I saw this picture and I broke out in laughter. Of course, I only laugh at someone else's expense! If this had happened to me I WOULD NOT be laughing NOR would I share it with you! But being that it's about my hubby, here it is!! I got a call a few weeks ago from my husband, who was at work. He sounded a bit disturbed as he asked me if I had activated his debit card. I told him I had and then inquired as to why he needed it. He quietly told me that he had been working moving boxes with other management and when he bent over he heard a big riiiiiiiiiiiiiippp! He didn't feel anything and thought that the sound was coming from somebody else. He was about to join in the laughter when he realized that the laughter was directed at him. Everyone around him could see that he had ripped the entire rear of his pants out.



Well now, if you were me, what would you have done??. . . . .I did what any sweet wife would do and I laughed my guts out with tears and all! Trying to talk (and not wet my pants) I reassured him I was not laughing at him but with him. (NOT!) He informed me that I was not alone in my outburst and he was dealing with it from every angle! My laughter soon turned to fear and I began questioning him as to whether he had on clean underwear or not? At this point, he was flat out disgusted I would even ask such a thing! Now if this were me under these circumstances, I would have quickly ran to the bathroom, called my other half and had them bring me some new pants regardless of the distance that separated the two of us.



Apparently He was trying to be more thoughtful or maybe he had no pride left, because he told me that he was going to head over to Ross Dress For Less, which was just a few stores down. I asked how he was going to accomplish this with a big rip in his pants? He informed me that he had taken care of that and had not only un-tucked his shirt but had taken duck tape and nicely placed over the large tear. What in the heck? Like that isn't embarrassing? I let him continue to carry out his plan because quite frankly, it didn't bother me at all! I don't associate with his work people! Unfortunately for him, his embarrassing story has been retold (by me of course) over and over for everyone to enjoy and I thought "why leave you guys out?" . OK. . . .NOW Carry On!

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way Down The Isle

I have never really understood the need for flower girls at a wedding other than to make the floor the bride is about to come down really slick! Have you ever slipped on a rose petal? Maybe not, but I can say that I have. . . more than once. Alright, I have more opportunities with having a family floral but anyway. Maybe you should try it sometime?

My soon to be daughter in-law ALMOST had more than petals to worry about as she came down the isle BUT was spared.

The first cute little flower girl was Avery, who walked that isle and tossed those petals like a pro.

Then came cute Macy and she continued the pace and the artistic pattern of petals on the floor.

And bringing up the rear was Gabby the doll face. She was far behind and a bit in her own flower girl world. (I think that is somewhere by Barbie world). It is a difficult task to walk AND throw petals out when you are a toddler. She seemed to handle the task well but THEN it happened! As she paused to drop out a load of petals (I think right here in the pic)she also dropped the gum from her mouth! OH NO! (where is her flower girl etiquette? )What's a girl to do? All eyes are on you!!

Well, she did what any other carefree child would do and she bent right down, picked up that gum and stuffed it back in her mouth! She stood back up and continued down the isle like it had never happened.

When she approached the other two girls, who were now standing at the front, they began to be alarmed because she had clearly not thrown out her petals in the proper pattern and she STILL had some left in her basket! THIS CAN'T BE!! The girls began to urge her in a loud whisper to hurry and dump them all out! "You still have petals! Dump them all out!!".

Can you say priceless? I've now decided the purpose of the flower girl is for entertainment and to possibly win money from AFV. Now I'm wondering why there is a ring bearer?


More flower girl games.

A Few Wedding Shots

The wedding is over. I survived. The end. . . No, I am really still trying to figure out if I survived or not. It's hard to say when I look like death these days and walk around brain dead! Regardless, the wedding went really well and I managed to NOT take a single picture of the event.(And NO that was not on purpose) Thank goodness Keisha was right on that and snapped a few. Here is a sampling of what took place. (In no particular order)



Uncle Gary playing the part of the ousted flower girl.

Jake and his new wife Sarah with mouths agape as they sucked in the bubbles we blew in their honor. (I don't think eating soap is a good pre-honeymoon practice though:)

Photos at a close range are never a good thing. Especially when I am one of those people IN close range. (And YES I did do my hair at some point during the day. Just not looking it)

Giddy "almost" newlyweds. (Little do they know that smile will be SMACKED off soon enough by reality. (When reality hits, she hits hard. . . and sometimes leaves a mark!:)

A little post ceremony round of eenie, meenie, miney, moe with the cute flower girls. I'm wishing I would have joined them for a moment of feet R & R.

Owning a floral shop teaches you the finer art of disguising the cake as a flower. (Who knew there was a plain Walmart cake underneath that all? Not the guests)

Alex was a bit horrified that boys do actually kiss girls. YUCK!

Coolest Kindergarten cousins ever doing a GQ pose.

Jake (Groom) and Sister Keisha for one last crazy shot before he takes the big plunge.

(STAY TUNED FOR WHEN I SHARE A FUNNY WEDDING STORY! ( AND HOW WE MISSED OUR SHOT AT 10 THOUSAND DOLLARS)

P.S. if you were trying to figure out the wedding colors GOOD LUCK!.. . . No really they were: lime green, orange, hot pink, red, yellow and blue. (and anything else that we decided to throw in there for good measure)

I'm In Denial It's True

Did I happen to mention in our conversations or passing that my son is getting married?

No?

Are you sure about that?

No post about it or anything?

Let me give it a look.. . . . .

I have mentioned family tragedies, flooded houses and floral madness but NOPE no wedding! Now how on Earth did I miss mentioning that?? So I'm guessing then that it would come as a complete surprise to you that it is THIS WEEKEND! ! HOLY MOLEY!!
Let's just say that I have been in a bit of denial. Why you ask? Well there is a perfectly great explanation for that (at least that's what the voices in my head are trying to tell me). I am FAR too young to be a MIL! You know, I'm only twenty or so or a bit more but not much more. OK, OK! Quit your laughing! I FEEL like I'm 20ish! Is that better? And you know I certainly act it. That's two things! Isn't that enough??


Truth be told my son is 18 and I was 12 when I had him so that would make me 30. Just a bit older than 20ish right? Unfortunately I wasn't telling the truth right then and I'm just a bit upset that I'm becoming the old lady, the grandma (soon to be) and the MIL. It's just not right! I'm trying to take it in stride though and accept one grey hair and one wrinkle at a time. It's no easy task but somebody has to do it! I somehow thought that I, with my super powers (whatever they are), would defy gravity and aging all at once! (oh yeah, and a bunch of other cool things I can't remember right now). NO dice!! So. . . GULP! I bring you pictures of the happy couple BEFORE the ball and chain. (I promise to post wedding pics next week). That is, if they haven't moved me into the retirement home with no Internet access.




My Son Jake

His Fiance Sarah

Don't even ask me what they are trying to do here. I have yet to figure them out!. . . I digress.

Little Shop Of Horrors

So I'm taking a vacation day from my "real" job to go and participate in the Valentine floral shop festivities. NOT really much of a vacation & definitely not relaxing but I'm warped like that. At Valentines we get a little (=a LOT) loopy and crazy stuff ensues. Our sweet little floral shop turns into our own "Little Shop of Horrors!" And then at that point, we decide to call it a night before somebody gets hurt!

Exhibit A: Red Roses which are in great abundance these days. Ohhhh so pretty.....CHOKE!

Exhibit B: Whor...(wrong shop)..I mean workers who have lost it from excessive exposure to TOO many red roses!! Close your eyes!! You are going to burn your retinas!! Oh the horror of it all!! (by the way, we are spelling out "Cow", "Mom", and "Wow" for your viewing pleasure....one of our many talents:) We are going for the Unibomber look here, if by chance you didn't notice.

Exhibit C: I couldn't leave you with that last picture burned in your eyes NOR be the reason for your bad dreams tonight about little flower shops. Here is some pretty stuff to bring you back around. Ahhhhh!

See you on the other side of my fabulous Vacation (aka Valentine HORROR). Oh yeah, and remind me to tell you about NEXT Fridays Vacation day (and no it will not involve relaxing or going anywhere). Boy, I really am pathetic!!

Post Dental Visit Entertainment

I'm not a lover of going to the dentist. Whether it's me getting worked on or one of my kids, it causes me great amounts of anxiety. I guess it all stems from when I was younger. Back then getting your teeth worked on was NOT as slick and painless as it is today! On top of that, dentists didn't wear gloves or face guards and I just happened to have a dentist with extremely hairy knuckles and TONS of hair up his nose. There was never enough laughing gas to make me not want to gag at his hairy knuckles & nostrils. And there was NEVER enough laughing gas to make me feel like this.....at least to my knowledge.....bummer!
(after watching this, I may take my kids to the dentist more often:)